I've had this annoying nervous feeling the last couple of days. It's started to make my chest tighten again, just a little. There are things I need to let God deal with, People whom I love that I need to trust God with. He doesn't make mistakes and He's not careless, I need to get this into my head. What I need to do is pray more, tell Him my worries and concerns, how I'm feeling about stuff and then leave it with Him. He's infinitely more able to deal with everything anyway.

It's like life suddenly got difficult and painful and I wasn't expecting or prepared for it.

At least it's Friday and it's youth club tonight, which I'm looking forward to actually. Si wrote some really cool stuff earlier, things are changing quite a bit in the youth work, they're getting it, they're getting saved and excited about God and it blows my mind. God is always doing something amazing, it's just half the time we're looking the other way.

Figures. Look at God!

Go and say Hi to another groovy chick who's part of our youth gang, Amy, leave her a comment, say hello!

ok, well if you sent me email today, you should re-send it because I've been having email problems. I hate it when things don't work!

Interesting article about Blogger and Google.

It kind of made me laugh that if you search for 'unruly twitching nose' on Google, my website comes first.

French philosopher René Descartes said "I think, therefore I am".

Hmm, well, sure...nice little 'sentence' he's got going on with that, but if you ask me it's ass talk. Ok, I appreciate the philosophical significance of René's little 5 word wonder, but today I've been 'thinking' far too much and when this happens what I notice, is that for me, the sentence becomes 'I think, and so now I have this stuff on my mind and actually I forget to chill out and enjoy life, or something. huh.'

It lacks the compact philosophical significance of the great thinker but it's pretty much what's going down in my head.

Now I have a headache, jaw ache (yes, from grinding my teeth actually) and ass ache from sitting on some butt ugly hard chair all day.

Neato.

Go and visit this mad brummie! He's totally cool and he also fears the squirrels! (they watch everything - beware!)

Please can you pray for a very special girl called Natalie. She is quite ill at the moment, she has CF and is going into hospital tomorrow. Pray with a passion that God will touch her and be with her and her family and bring her back to health again quickly. Thank you.

I miss this.

Boo!

Is it Monday already? It can't be! This weekend flew by.

Still, I get to sleep before it *really* starts. Which is what I should be doing now.

So, this weekend was pretty good. I chilled out and did a lot of nothing. I did some shopping. I hung out with friends. We went to a party, a 21st birthday party and the dj was strange. Church was good too, for lots of reasons which I'll try and talk about later.

I'm sitting downstairs and I'm watching ER. I never watch ER, I hate hospital shows. Anyway, this doctor and this nurse had this argument about some patient or something, I don't know exactly what happened. They just talked again and he said that he was sorry, about everything, she said that she was sorry too and then she smiled at him and he smiled back. Everything was ok.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It's awesome when a bridge is rebuilt, when there's healing between two hearts, when you forgive and forget the hurt someone else has caused you. I want to live my life with that sort of forgiveness. I've been forgiven by God with that sort of forgiveness, I don't deserve to know Him but He loves me, forgives me and accepts me as I am. It's amazing. I want to live with the same Grace, forgiveness and love in my own life.

We each have the power to build people up, to encourage them, to spur them on, with Grace and Forgiveness when appropriate and required. We also have the power to destroy people with a single word. I know what I prefer to spend my time doing.

Hebrews 10v23-25
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Not sure where that came from.

Tell me about your weekend!

James is tired today.

I bought hair dye..but it didn't work. I was going to be really blonde tonight..peroxide or something, but it totally didn't work. It's a wash-in-wash-out dye so what do I expect.. My brother and his girl are dying their hair, lets see if that works..it's just some fun man!!

I did get new jeans and a loud shirt though.

That's about it for now. later.

Darn, look at the time...I failed again.

I'm not going anywhere kids, though if being dramatic is going to always get me seven comments then I might be dramatic more often. Ok? So you have to promise to play along and comment when I say random ambiguous dramatic statements...do we have a deal? ;)

I was probably talking about a few things that I'm not going to do anymore..but mainly, that I really shouldn't stay up until 1:18am on my computer reading blogs and eating junk food. That can't be good can it? Not on a school night!

Ok, that's it. I'm not doing it anymore.

I have absolutely nothing to say. Well, apart from this.

Sometimes I feel so stupid. I think my brain has turned to goo.

I've been backing up all my files, music, documents, pictures, pretty much everything to cdrom. I've been meaning to do this for a long time. In fact it's one of those things that you always mean to do, and then one day, you really wish you had done it because you just lost all your stuff. So, I'm doing it now.

Apart from that, I'm running out of room on my disks. I'm probably going to build a new computer soon, but until I do I need more space.

Today has been ok. Work is erm..ok. I've been finding it a real struggle to concentrate with other things being on my mind and being really stressed out with some of those things, at least the chest pains have died out, it's still a bit tight sometimes though. I never thought I'd have that sort of problem, I'm really chilled out usually and not much gets to me, but lately, well, things build up.

I still feel like there's so much to sort out with my life. I don't know exactly what I mean by that, it's just a feeling more than anything else. There are things I need to do, things I want to do, things I need to drop from my life and new good habits I need to form. I think most of all I need sleep, and I need to relax and to just enjoy myself.

I haven't taken a photo in like two weeks, I need to get the camera out and go and hunt down some good shots. I need to upload some pictures, but I'm not going to keep saying that and then not do it..I think I'll just shut up about that until I do it. I need to organize how all that's going to work.

Yeah, that's another thing which I want to sort out about myself. I say I'm going to do things, and then I don't do them. I hate that about myself. Ok, there are always reasons, but there will always be reasons. I made some lists a month ago, just some things I was going to do, projects, things that needed to be done. I looked at it last night, I think I'd done one thing..most of the stuff I hadn't done at all. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. Sometimes I need to give myself a break.

I now have no holidays planned for this year. That's the first time ever that I've had nothing planned, it's pretty depressing in one way, and quite refreshing in another. We'll see what happens.

Ok, now I'm just typing for the sake of it ;) I'm going to bed kids, nite nite.

Darn. I just typed a whole load of stuff and blogger lost it all. I'd move to moveable type, but I'm just too lazy right now. It wasn't very good anyway.

There was quite a bit of waffle, something about me getting a haircut, watching the Sci-Fi channel tonight, wondering why no-one seems to be blogging today...

Then I wondered when I'd have something good to post and if any one of you could possibly inspire me..so if you can..go ahead, rock my world.

Romans 8v38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Yay for scarf's!

Happy World Scarf Day everyone!

If you supported your scarf today then leave a comment with a link to your blog, where you hopefully posted a picture of you and your scarf. If I'm on my own here then so be it, I'm ok with that. Scarf's rock out!

It's never too late, go get your scarf and make it feel loved.

update:
Thanks to everyone who supported their scarf on World Scarf day ;) You rock.

Saturday's rock! Happy Saturday!

I need to chill out.

I've been having chest anxiety pains the last couple of days again. This morning it just feels tight and jumpy. It's weird because in a lot of ways I feel very positive and quite relaxed, another part of me is obviously pretty stressed out.

I think I came really close to blowing my stack with everything that's gone on recently and my stress level is still very high, even if I don't feel stressed. It only takes the littlest thing to start making me feel anxious and stressed out again.

I never thought I'd have to deal with this. I'm so chilled out. I'm not freakazoid or anything, it's just life I guess and it's important to not let things build up. Hopefully I've learnt that lesson now.

So pray for me if you do that. Send some calm peaceful thoughts my way if you don't. I have a pretty busy weekend ahead, I need it to be stress free even if it might not be relaxing.

Oh, and happy Valentines day or something.. woo!

Ok, still no pictures, but I'm working on it. Soon, I promise.

I did sort out some links though! Nite goobers.

I woke up this morning (no joke! I did, seriously, even now I'm awake!) and like the sad geek that I am the first thing I do is check my emails and read my favorite blogs.

Well someone posted something which caused a few tears to flow down my first-thing-in-the-morning-bleary-eyed-not-yet-shaven-face. It was a totally honest post about personal pain and heart ache which was really pretty close in some ways to things I've been going through. I really don't want to elaborate on it any more than that.

What has been going through my mind is that sometimes there are no answers to why things happen and we can't always explain the way we feel. There are times when it 'just is' a certain way and any real exploration into the details of how we might feel about something or someone need to come later on. Your heart sometimes needs time to work things out, as does your head.

I think part of life and learning that there are not always clear cut answers to things is the ability to live with loose ends, and that's about trust. In a previous post I talked about leaning on God and Him never letting us down. I think where there are 'loose ends', we have to be ok with that and simply trust God, and that He has it under control and that He's working all things out for our good. Even the painful things. Nothing is ever wasted and even though it's so hard to see why things happen sometimes, God has a plan and a purpose.

Those are pretty fragmented thoughts. I've been meaning to write this all day and now I come to write it I can't make the words fit. I hope it sort of makes sense.

There are plenty of simple pleasures in life to be had if you look for them. One of mine is stationery.

Earlier on I went and bought some gel-pens and a small pin-board/notice board thing, a note book and some glue. I don't really 'need' these things. I already have pens, lots of them, and I have glue. Still I never know when I might run out?! That would be awful! So I have to get reserve supplies ;)

It might be weird or sad but I don't care..

I have this fantasy, no, fantasy is the wrong word..dream? no. We'll go with dream anyway..

In the future my wonderful wife and I are taking part in some game show on TV. The game show host, lets call him 'Bob', is asking each of the contestant couples how they met. It comes round to our turn.

Bob: So, how did you guys meet?
Wife: Well, we actually met while shopping for office supplies..
Me: Yes, you could say that a mutual passion for stationery bought us together..(I laugh)
Wife: Oooh yes! Especially gel pens..we just lurrrrrrve gel pens!!!! (giggles uncontrollably)
Me: Bob, don't get us started on gel pens..isn't this a family show?

Me tired. Two friends came over and we had a geeky network games nite playing unreal tournament. Now my back aches and my hands hurt and my eyes don't work..so, anyway, we're doing it again Friday ;)

Tomorrow is Thursday, and tomorrow nite I will scan pictures. If it's the last thing I do and it kills me, I'll scan pictures.

Now I am tired and I need to sleep. Nite nite.

Tell me what you did today.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

When I am weak, Christ is strong.

It constantly amazes me that I spend so much time doing my own thing, thinking I've got everything under control and not spending the time I should with my Lord, growing my love for Him. I have these moments when I burn for Him, little glimpses of how much He loves me. He loves me with a passion that I will never comprehend, and that's fine with me, that's the way it is for now, but I want to experience more of those glimpses, I want to know more of Him.

What causes me to almost weep sometimes is my ability, in the next breath, to turn back to my own priorities and plans. To loosen my grip on the one who holds my life in His hand, the one who gazes at me, with a love in His eyes the depth of which I can never understand. The one who died for me and saved me. Why would I do that? it makes no sense to me at all!

And even more unfathomable, when I wonder off and do my own thing, forgetting to speak to Him, sometimes ignoring Him, he waits for me. Faithfully, patiently, longing for me to look His way again. And when I do return full of tears and apology, He tells me He loves me, dries my tears and tells me I'm His child and it's ok.

Talking to a friend recently, I think we both decided that sometimes you just have to be silent before God. Still. In awe of who He is because there are just no words to describe how much He's done for us, how awesome His grace, mercy and forgiveness towards us really is, and how just passionately He loves us.

I was going to talk about how cool church was Sunday. It was good. I lead worship though that didn't make it cool. That was just cool for me because I didn't really feel much like doing it and I was a bit nervous for some reason, but God made everything Rock! Everything is made perfect when you lean on Him. Lean on Him and you wont be disappointed. Seriously. Also the message was about going out into all the world with the Gospel and we also heard what the OM team we have this year has been up to and also what the p.a.i.s team we have is doing. Amazing opportunities, telling young people about God. Sometimes I want to quit my job and go and do that, or something, full time. (If you are someone I work with then, well, I'm not thinking of quitting quite yet but if you're going to read this then I might be talking about my future..a future which is a bit unclear at the moment, but I'm sure it'll make sense at some point...anyway)

You can tell I'm about to go to bed, I stop making sense. I waffle. Unless I normally waffle and don't make sense, which is also possible.

I forget what else I was going to say. Scarf! yes, scarf! You should wear them..somebody has been spreading a rumor that you only need to wear your scarf in 'cold weather'. Whoever has been spreading such a word of falsehood needs to repent! A scarf is for always! If you don't have it on right now, then go and get it! If you don't own one, buy one! This is important people! Ask Jenn, she'll tell you. She's a hardcore scarf wearer.

A scarf is for life, not just for winter. It's a lifestyle and a world view..a way of life. Treat your scarf as your friend, love it and it will love you in return.

To celebrate the awesomeness of the scarf, February the 16th will be World Scarf Day. If you are cool enough to support your scarf you will blog a picture of you and your scarf on World Scarf Day.

And also display this neat little banner:



Do it! Do it for your scarf!

There have been plenty times today when I had something really good to blog. Now I come to type something, I can't really form a coherent sentence. Well apart from these sentences, but these are really just informational, telling you I have nothing to say.

Which is really annoying because I had so much to say! bleh.

Maybe it'll come back to me.

Not so successful. The photoshop stopped doing the one hour enlargement service, maybe the machine was busted. That was annoying. I didn't get a Polaroid either, the one I'd seen had 5 free films with it, but I couldn't see that today. I know where to find that though, so I'll get it this week sometime.

I think I've gone photo mad.

I did however get a pretty totally cool leather jacket. It makes me look like shaft, well I'm not the same skin colour and I'm not a cop, but it's cool anyway..and it was dead inexpensive from some trendy shop, which was actually just a glorified secondhand clothes shop..and a coolio belt too.

Ok, that's all for now. I have other stuff in my head but I need to get ready to go out..and I've waffled on enough today already. Are you asleep? Did I send you to sleep? hello?

Ahh, I slept late. Which was nice, but I was going to do so much stuff today!

Ha! Well the day's not over yet, and I have to ask myself why I'm blogging about this when I could be doing some of that stuff right now? There must be a condition or a syndrome or something that explains that.

Once I'm up and ready, I'm off to Birmingham, I'm going to the photoshop to get some prints enlarged, maybe. I need to get some folders, albums or something to put my prints and negatives in too. I also want to find out how expensive it is to get prints from digital photos. These days you can just take your compactflash or smartmedia card and they'll print off prints for you, while you wait! We're actually living in the future people!! ;)

I also need to go to the Christian bookstore to get some bible/study notes to send to a friend. Every time I go to that shop I end of spending most of my life savings on Cd's, books, pencils and hacky sacks with bible verses printed all over them..what?! They're good to give away..I know I have to stop..pray for me.

I want to learn another language. This always happens, I watch Amelie, then I want to speak french. I've been watching lots of foreign films lately. Lots of Chinese ones too. They really rock, but anyway. Another thing I always do is I get interested in something..it could be anything..Sorry I can't think of examples right now. The point is, the first thing I do is go and buy a magazine on that subject and most of the time that's as far as it goes. What a sucker! those magazine guys must rely on suckers like me. I've always had 'fads' and stuff. I don't really mind though because there certain 'fads' that have stuck and become something worthwhile, something I enjoy, so I figure that's ok then, It's acceptable eh?

Now I need to shut up and live my live..I wasted like, ten minutes typing this!

Oh, this really got my attention this morning. I needed to read it and it helped me re-focus slightly onto things I should be doing. Thanks Coqui for posting that, thanks Jenn for linking to Coqui, etc, it really is a tangled web we weave..(get it? a tangled web..hahaha..oh, I'm sorry)

"It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in GOD's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge,
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank GOD, is that JESUS CHRIST can and does. HE acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve GOD with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."
Romans 7ish

Tonight I had a headache. I didn't go out, I stayed at home and slept. It's the only way to recover from my weird headaches.

Then, I made myself pizza. I used lots of toppings. I made it just how I like it and I ate it with lots of Parmesan cheese & a glass of orangeade.

After that I watched Amelie. Again. Watching Amelie is like the complete opposite to a reality check, I love it. It's absolutely perfect.

Oh, tomorrow I will buy a Polaroid camera.

Goodnight.

I've decided I really like Tegan and Sara.

You know when you start to fuss over your layout, wonder if you could improve it, and if you even like it at all?

I'm having one of those moments.

So, I started my lomohome, go and check it out.

It'll be better when I scan and upload some more pictures, but it's a start. If you haven't got a camera from here yet, then go and buy one now! You wont ever regret it. Never ever ever!

If you have a lomohome, tell me where it is so I can go look.

I used to watch Spiderman cartoons on TV when I was a kid. After I watched it I'd get a glove and thread cotton through the middle of it..then pretend I could spin a web..

In many ways I was a weird child. I always remember being pretty hyper after watching the Incredible Hulk too.

Though I never once turned green.

So I got my pictures back from being processed. I'm totally delighted with some of them, most of them. I love photography, really, I'm all excited.

I promise to share soon, but right now I have to go play guitar and mouth off at church.

What do you love? Life's little pleasures, that sort of thing..

"After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done."
Oscar Wilde

Too right Oscar.

Ha! Someone got to my website by searching for "twitching nose". Why would anyone search for "twitching nose" anyway? Well, it made me laugh..

I'm happy today. Happy. ok? So anyone who spoils that for me better watch out! Seriously, I'll bust heads...

I have three films to go get processed, I can't wait to see what they're like. I hope there are some good pictures. I know I could get them done next day but I'm just too impatient, I need them in an hour, less than and hour, I want them now!!

And I promise that'll upload some of these picture reeeeaal soon. I'm sorry for being such a slacker, I'm sorry for not blogging very much, I will try harder..

la la laaa...weeeeee!

Later..

I've discovered something about myself. I forget things when I get stressed out.

I forget numbers and details and it's really worrying. For example, last week, I forgot my pin number for my cash card. The pin number I've been using for like, six years. I just walked up to the ATM to get some money out, put my card in the slot and....nothing. I couldn't remember. Three days I tried different numbers, in the end I had to go to the bank and request a new number.

Today, something happening to get me stressed out and upset again. I forgot something else. To get into the office I work in there's a number pad with a code which opens the door. I've worked there for three and a half years, using this code every day. Today I came back from a walk and...I couldn't get into the office. I had to call someone to let me in.

Now, I just have to wonder what other bits of important information are slipping out of my head.

It's a worrying thought.

More scribbles from my notebook.

I listen
I hear every voice inside my head
calling out to be heard
a multitude
each one outshouting the other

I try to silence each one
to find a still and quiet place
a place where I can rest
and listen to you
listen to your quiet voice
gentle, fatherly, full of love

a hundered million voices
a contest, to see who can shout the loudest
as I silence one, another one begins to shout
moments of my day
dialogue
adverts on t.v
any sound, to keep me from listening to you

still my soul
silence each voice
scatter the rabble of my heart
quiet me with your love
that I may hear your voice
and listen to your words
soak me in your love
let me know that you are God.

Hey you! Thanks for dropping by!

I have so much to say. Really. It's just it takes time for things to come out and surface, some stuff just needs time to rise to the top.

Erm, so. The weekend was good. I had fun. I spent it with friends. We went to the Black Country Museum. I'm proud of my roots and heritage, everyone should be. I have a headache right now so this isn't coming out so well. I'm tired.

Church was also good tonight. My mate Dave led worship and it was really good, plus God spoke to me some more about things I need to get right with Him. I really need to get my butt into gear with some stuff, but it's all good. Pray for me! prayer is good.

Erm, I also took three roles of film at the museum so I'll get those processed tomorrow and try and sort out my photo pages pretty soon.

That's all for tonight goobers. Sweet dreams :)